The Fat lady has sung!

Aunt flo- came today- and simultaneously- I got the No Go results from the Dr.'s office. Dang! Thanks for following along- you never know what my experiences will turn in to. I spent the better half of the day following the blog of a lady who brings older orphans from Russia to the United States for 10 days- they stay with host families- and 70% end up adopted out on their first go around. She seems to be an amazing woman- I am taking mental notes- and thinking about the future........ What does it have in store for me???? Mmmmm!

Thanks for following my adventures in the world of infertile bodies, but not infertile minds. I appreciate all the responses, more than you will ever know. This is a sad ending- but I know deep down that God has other plans. I didn't pray for a baby- I prayed for the result that would allow Ellison, David and I the best future happiness we can find. I guess having a biological child wasn't part of that plan. I know that we are being looked after in this lifetime- and that is what matters. This blog may continue......

London, Boston, Denver

I am home in Castle Rock once more- I arrived the evening of July4th, and went to bed immediately- I spent a day doing the unpack routine, and taking Ellison for a nice day in the playground park. I went to bed early again last night- and am now up at 2 a.m, the same as I was last night. I hope this does not continue to be my holding pattern, but must admit my transition back has been so much better than my transition to Mumbai time.

My last 12 hours were spent packing etc., and I completely recovered in time for the flight, I managed to sleep some on the way to London, which helped.

When I got to London, I took the "Underground Tube"in to a stop called "Picadilly Circus"- I was so thrilled to get just a couple of hours in town. I saw quite a bit in my short time- St. James Park, an awesome restaurant, a coffee vendor was my first stop. I wandered enough to finally figure out where Buckingham Palace was and arrived just a few minutes before the Changing of the guard. Next I figured that it was the 12th day. I had bought a Velocit- Indian brand pregnancy test and saved it to do in London. I pictured in my mind that if I were pregnant I could have someone take a picture of me at Buckingham Palace with a positive test- and this could be the way I could tell dear hubby. However, It wasn't meant to be this 12th day- It was my first clue that maybe things didn't work out- but I decided it was a little early and I would wait until the 14th day as my next test day. I made it to Boston that night- my husband picked me up with my sisters car in Boston. I slept a lot on my London to Boston flight and was so grateful for the chance to get some sleep. My ankle swelled up hugely- on the flight. I was so happy to see dear hubby, and especially so happy to see my "lala" girl- she had slept in the car and was just waking up as David loaded my bags. I opened the door, and she was looking the other way. She turned her head towards me, and threw me the nicest big smile, and a look of delight was evident on her face. She grabbed my neck and pulled me in- I was so Happy to see that precious little girl. The moon and stars would be hers for the asking. We gave each other happy smiles all the way to Mary Ellen's- and stopped at Kowloon's for Chinese food on the way back. I shared my exploits of London with David. And held my little girl closely through dinner. So happy to be reunited.

I was happy to see family and so glad to be on U.S.A soil-

Mom came the next day- and we spent a leisurely day with my sisters three kids- and Mary Ellen was able to get away for a little pedicure. Mom brought me something special from her kitchen, Chocolate Bread Pudding- Yummmm! I spent time pushing Ellison and Sarah on the swings. It felt good to have some down time. The next day we were going to a friend of my sisters, for a 4th of July celebration- and parade. It was a lovely New England style parade. Very nicely done - I was in Pepperell, Massachusetts. Ellison spent the day with her cousins and lots of other children. The party included a large blow up water slide. Ellison went right down it. I took a pregancy test that morning- now the 14th day. Zip, nada, zilch. I was feeling pretty down. What an extreme let down. All that work..... and time, and dedication was turning out for the worse. You think you are prepared, but you never really are. The ever optimist, I have now taken one on the 16th day at home. Today is the 18th day, no period yet... always hope! I am going to the Dr.'s for a Beta test today- mostly to make sure- since I am still on major drugs. The estrogen one really bothers me, and I don't want to be on it unless I have to be. So today will be the end all, of my journey- I don't expect a positive- but always carry a shred of hope with me. They say "It ain't over until the fat lady sings"- that would be my period- I did do some reading on the subject- and found out that Progesterone, and Estrogen- will delay your period.

So..... Disappointed... Yes! I can't reason and make it all better, by being logical, and pragmatic over the whole thing... and I am feeling some grief- but I will recover in time- like I always do. Before, there at least, was always "next time". But this just feels so final- I don't see any more chance in my future for making a baby- that saddens me deeply. Thanks to everyone for all support, prayers, words of wisdom, thoughts, and love sent my way. Especially to my sisters family for lovingly taking care of Elllison. And to my neighbors who took care of my dog. Our family is happy to be back together again safely. I derive a deep satisfaction and joy for what I have already. I have been so blessed in life. I never say "why me?"- It will always be, "why not me?" Sometimes you gotta take a life blow- We all have something we live with, that didn't turn out just like we wanted. I know I can't have everything. But... It sure would have been nice.