The Fat lady has sung!

Aunt flo- came today- and simultaneously- I got the No Go results from the Dr.'s office. Dang! Thanks for following along- you never know what my experiences will turn in to. I spent the better half of the day following the blog of a lady who brings older orphans from Russia to the United States for 10 days- they stay with host families- and 70% end up adopted out on their first go around. She seems to be an amazing woman- I am taking mental notes- and thinking about the future........ What does it have in store for me???? Mmmmm!

Thanks for following my adventures in the world of infertile bodies, but not infertile minds. I appreciate all the responses, more than you will ever know. This is a sad ending- but I know deep down that God has other plans. I didn't pray for a baby- I prayed for the result that would allow Ellison, David and I the best future happiness we can find. I guess having a biological child wasn't part of that plan. I know that we are being looked after in this lifetime- and that is what matters. This blog may continue......

London, Boston, Denver

I am home in Castle Rock once more- I arrived the evening of July4th, and went to bed immediately- I spent a day doing the unpack routine, and taking Ellison for a nice day in the playground park. I went to bed early again last night- and am now up at 2 a.m, the same as I was last night. I hope this does not continue to be my holding pattern, but must admit my transition back has been so much better than my transition to Mumbai time.

My last 12 hours were spent packing etc., and I completely recovered in time for the flight, I managed to sleep some on the way to London, which helped.

When I got to London, I took the "Underground Tube"in to a stop called "Picadilly Circus"- I was so thrilled to get just a couple of hours in town. I saw quite a bit in my short time- St. James Park, an awesome restaurant, a coffee vendor was my first stop. I wandered enough to finally figure out where Buckingham Palace was and arrived just a few minutes before the Changing of the guard. Next I figured that it was the 12th day. I had bought a Velocit- Indian brand pregnancy test and saved it to do in London. I pictured in my mind that if I were pregnant I could have someone take a picture of me at Buckingham Palace with a positive test- and this could be the way I could tell dear hubby. However, It wasn't meant to be this 12th day- It was my first clue that maybe things didn't work out- but I decided it was a little early and I would wait until the 14th day as my next test day. I made it to Boston that night- my husband picked me up with my sisters car in Boston. I slept a lot on my London to Boston flight and was so grateful for the chance to get some sleep. My ankle swelled up hugely- on the flight. I was so happy to see dear hubby, and especially so happy to see my "lala" girl- she had slept in the car and was just waking up as David loaded my bags. I opened the door, and she was looking the other way. She turned her head towards me, and threw me the nicest big smile, and a look of delight was evident on her face. She grabbed my neck and pulled me in- I was so Happy to see that precious little girl. The moon and stars would be hers for the asking. We gave each other happy smiles all the way to Mary Ellen's- and stopped at Kowloon's for Chinese food on the way back. I shared my exploits of London with David. And held my little girl closely through dinner. So happy to be reunited.

I was happy to see family and so glad to be on U.S.A soil-

Mom came the next day- and we spent a leisurely day with my sisters three kids- and Mary Ellen was able to get away for a little pedicure. Mom brought me something special from her kitchen, Chocolate Bread Pudding- Yummmm! I spent time pushing Ellison and Sarah on the swings. It felt good to have some down time. The next day we were going to a friend of my sisters, for a 4th of July celebration- and parade. It was a lovely New England style parade. Very nicely done - I was in Pepperell, Massachusetts. Ellison spent the day with her cousins and lots of other children. The party included a large blow up water slide. Ellison went right down it. I took a pregancy test that morning- now the 14th day. Zip, nada, zilch. I was feeling pretty down. What an extreme let down. All that work..... and time, and dedication was turning out for the worse. You think you are prepared, but you never really are. The ever optimist, I have now taken one on the 16th day at home. Today is the 18th day, no period yet... always hope! I am going to the Dr.'s for a Beta test today- mostly to make sure- since I am still on major drugs. The estrogen one really bothers me, and I don't want to be on it unless I have to be. So today will be the end all, of my journey- I don't expect a positive- but always carry a shred of hope with me. They say "It ain't over until the fat lady sings"- that would be my period- I did do some reading on the subject- and found out that Progesterone, and Estrogen- will delay your period.

So..... Disappointed... Yes! I can't reason and make it all better, by being logical, and pragmatic over the whole thing... and I am feeling some grief- but I will recover in time- like I always do. Before, there at least, was always "next time". But this just feels so final- I don't see any more chance in my future for making a baby- that saddens me deeply. Thanks to everyone for all support, prayers, words of wisdom, thoughts, and love sent my way. Especially to my sisters family for lovingly taking care of Elllison. And to my neighbors who took care of my dog. Our family is happy to be back together again safely. I derive a deep satisfaction and joy for what I have already. I have been so blessed in life. I never say "why me?"- It will always be, "why not me?" Sometimes you gotta take a life blow- We all have something we live with, that didn't turn out just like we wanted. I know I can't have everything. But... It sure would have been nice.

Last 12 hours of Mumbai

I- can't believe I am down to the last 12 hours of being in Mumbai. I have been ill most of the night and am going back to bed in a few minutes. Tonight I met out with our friend Sameer's cousins. Sameer and his sister Babita live in the states and have become friends through David's sister. They have visited us in Colorado several times. When Sameer found out we were going to Mumbai, he made a connection for us with one of his cousins there. And so they came to the hotel today and picked me up for a late lunch. We went to a theme restaurant called "The Jail" - where all the staff dressed up like guards and inmates. It was wonderful to meet two of Sameer and Babitas first cousins, and his Fiance. We had great conversation. I learned as much about India in one day as the entire stay- which I loved.
On the way home my tummy started rumbling and troubling and soon I worried that I was going to have an accident - I kept picturing jumping out of the car, so that it (a dire accident) wouldn't be in the car- but wondered how in the world I would cope in the traffic. I was sweating bullets, with waves of trouble washing over me. I don't know how- but we made it to the hotel in the nick of time- and I got to the toilet as fast as I could. I have now been sick all evening and night- I hope that I will be okay in time for the plane flight. To think I had made it this far without serious troubles of this kind and now 24 hours and less before my flight, I was in trouble. I just took Cipro and hope that it calms things down a bit. No fun. Man! I am up late now- and will see if I can get one more round of sleep. One thing though, I was very nauseous at the lunch place, before any of the rest occurred. I am hoping that could be a sign??? I am drinking water to replace fluids as much as possible. This trip has not been easy., I know worth it. I hope to know soon if it is even more worth it than I know. Can't wait to have good news! I hope.

Jw Marriott & Juhu Beach

After two long days of bedrest- I could no longer be kept down. David made arrangements to stay at another Marriott about 25 minutes away- for a different experience and another 5 star hotel. We are on Juhu beach on the Arabian Sea. We have a wonderful view of the sea- and woke up very relaxed- and happy to have a change of scenery- for me it really helps pass the time. Today counts as day 7 in the wait. Today we sat in the executive concierge lounge and had a nice breakfast overlooking the ocean. We followed up with a day of shopping in Bandera. We really had fun. We took a harrowing ride in an Auto Rickshaw- a 3 wheeled automobile- that are black and yellow and abundant in Mumbai- they look like a swarm of yellow jackets on the roads. The drivers are crazy, and aggessive- as they have to be with this number of people from every walk of life on the roads.What a great adventure.
We had a nice lunch following at the Bombay Cafe for lunch- and I even found a new brand of haagen daz icecream- bavarian chocolate- it was very good- my first real taste of what felt like being back in the states. Last night we went out to this great beautiful Italian restaurant - I wish I could say I enjoyed the food for all its extravagance- but- No. Too bad too- as it was so very attractive. There is a special night club here as well- that is the main attraction to Bollywood stars. Apparently this is the place to be for Movie actors and Actresses in India. There Hollywood is called Bollywood. The name of the discotheque is "Enigma" Too bad I wouldn't recognize a single one (star)- If I stepped on their toes!
It was the first full sunny day I have seen here just beautiful today- and made for good memories of this place. We feel like we are on a second honey moon. A good thing too- since we celebrate our ten year anniversay in September.
We have had such a nice experience here with the people who have been very helpful and dedicated to taking a personal interest in seeing that we are having a good time. The staff in both Marriotts have been wonderful. David posted a nice little write up for the Courtyard Marriott- on a travel site- and did it for fun- he ended up causing us to get a little extra attention- as they saw it - without us telling them- and gave us a free escort taxi- to this hotel. We were so pleased.
All is well- and I remain patient so far......
Thinking of so many of you from across the miles- and especially thinking of my dear Ellison and missing her so very much!

Homestretch

We had quite a ride to the clinic- it took just an hour without all the taxi's on the road. Not bad. Our driver allowed us few spots to observe scenic buildings, and unusually awesome architecture. I am not even sure what all I saw- but indeed it was stupendous to look at. The train station alone was magnificent. After a few tourist stops we got to the clinic. We were again given our own private room- and waited several hours before our time would come. Our nurses were delightful, and I think excited for us. Pramodine was especially kind. The lady who was short in stature, and full of piss and vinegar. I said "We just love you"
David got a little sick while we were there and was lucky to have a bed to lie on as well. Room 5 again, and I was a patient, patient. Just before getting called in for the final transfer- we got to go in to the Embryologist room and take a look at our embryo's under a microscope. I asked if all had made it through the night, and he said yes- you still have four, we will transfer 3 today. He showed me a beautiful 8 celled embryo, rated a grade A (the best) and two well bordered embryo's that both had 4 cells, a step behind, but he still rated it an "A" and were deemed of excellent quality as well. I was just so tickled I could barely contain myself. The 4th one was a little more diffuse then the others, and he decided along with the Dr. not to use this one. Meaning it, didn't have the beautiful clear borders of the other embies, that had such clear lines of differentiation within the egg , of each cell. Which is what you want. I was so pleased that we had such beautiful looking embryo's to transfer in that day. I couldn't believe we had arrived at this stage. A little later I was back in the magic theatre room with the Dr. and several great nurses.
We bantered and soon I was sent back to my bed- where I was made to lie down for two hours with a full bladder. I wasn't even allowed to go. I was given ample opportunity to go before my procedure, to catheter in the 3 eggs, called transfer day 3., But, unfortunately no amount of cajoling would release any liquid from the old bladder. Now I had to suffer. I kept saying to David as time grew closer, "What time is it?, I am not going to make it". 5 minutes before my alotted time- I had to make a dash. Close enough!
I was given a final shot in the arse and moved on to the waiting cab. Turns out we had used 8 hours of the cab time from start to finish. Our ride back was through amazing torrential downpour. Because there were no cabs operating the streets were full of people. We got to see a little night life in Mumbai. We saw a parade of people lining the middle of the street because they were expecting a muslim man of importance coming from the airport. I wished I had my camera as it was a sight to see.
I am so blessed that all ended up so smooth for us. Even on the ride in- there was a motorcycle accident beside us- If we had been behind it, and If the person had been seriously injured- this could have been the end of our good luck. It would have resulted in traffic jams to the max. We were so luck through out, as everything has played out to our best outcome. I have great hope, and limited expectations as to the outcome- but I now have beautiful embryo's hopefully making some headway within the protected walls of my womb. I am pleased that all went so well.
Now ,I am going to have to be very patient through the following two weeks awaiting my final fate. I am sure that I will be hypersensitive to my body and it's behaviors , looking for any signs. Today I am on bed rest, and tomorrow as well. After that I can enjoy my final days in this neat city- so full of life. I am glad that I now have a deeper understanding of the culture and ways here. It is so worth it all in all to have an experience to remember- even if all else fails.

Transfer of Embryo Day

Well today has been interesting. I learned last night that I had 4 embryo's to transfer. I was quite pleased with that outcome. It is a new day, so I hope that they all survived the night. I will soon know.

I can't believe that everything we have done to date all culminates today, and wouldn't you know? An India taxi strike. My faithful cab driver called to say he could not come. There is not a single cab driver on the road today. This is newsworthy alone- the roads will have hardly anyone on them. We quickly secured a ride out of here using a special Courtyard Marriott vehicle. Very expensive, but our only option today. Today of all days! We were so lucky to have an option at all. So all is going forward. I will need to post what happens later. We are very excited. I am looking forward to having the "embies" safe in a womb. Then we are done, and it will just be, wait and see. We are cautiously optimistic. We will be on our way in just a short time!

Egg Retrieval

Well the next big step has come and gone. My egg retrieval. I stayed up all day with David. Now, thankfully here and on time. We took a cab at 2p.m.- my same faithful cab drive Nilkanth pronounced something like (nil.kon.ti) I had followed my 5 or so instructions for the day and we arrived unscathed. In just a few minutes of arrival we were ushered in to our own private room. It looked like we would be in for a long wait. I could see out the windows and looked out at a point on the ocean where I saw two large ships. I had no idea we were that close-but this window provided me a small glimpse. Through the other window I saw palm fronds. The breeze between the two windows, and the two ceiling fans gave me the perfect temperature. I said: "David I wish we had a thermometer right now- because this would be the perfect temperature for me to go through life with." I was so comfortable, lying on the antique hospital beds with fresh clean linens on the bed. The breeze in the room was warm and caressing, and as I looked out one window, I thought- right now I could be anywhere, Greece, Spain-Los Angeles, and it wouldn't look or feel much different than this. I thought of the Meditteranean and drifted off. Not too much later I was awoken- the nurse had to give me an enema. I guess here, instead of drinking a gallon of water like in the U.S. - you get an enema. I thought it was a good trade off. Suffer the indignity of a nurse putting an enema in, but not suffer a full bladder through surgery. There were a few more indignities requested- although TMI- but, all managed. When I looked around the room it reminded me of a WW11 kind of hospital room- everything was a bit antiquated looking- but all functional -even the nurses stethoscope was in a thin metal box. The mattresses were thin, on metal beds. It felt like I was in a setting from the 1920's- I rather liked it, in an old school kind of way. I put on a gown and hat- David took my picture. The attending nurse was a short lady, and had been nursing for 30 years. She had worked most of it , in a nearby hospital and had never married, but she had delivered many babies in her life. The Dr. came in and told us that we might be going in around 7pm. I drifted off back to sleep. Pretty soon it was time to go. I followed the nurse out through to the theatre complex- Another woman was being wheeled asleep, in to another room. I thought- wow, her baby would be conceived on the same day as mine. It was kind of cool. There were several people in the room- and there were little stairs leading up to the bed. On the other side was the anesthesiologist, he asked "Are you nervous". I said, "no, I am in good hands!" Dr Malpani said, "All the right answers." The anethesiologist began to prep to put the needle in- he asked if I was afraid of needles, I said "no." What was so great though was I didn't have to have some huge needle- It looked like a two inch baby needle. I was happy about that. In it went, and out I went- and I was finally getting some good sleep around here.
Before I knew it- I was wheeled back in to my room. David was able to get some shut eye too. David remembers that moments after I was wheeled in- that I came up from the depths of unconsciousness for a moment and asked-slurringly- how many eggs? David informed me 11. "good!" I said slurringly again" That is good, very, very good." And I went right back out and slept another 1.5 hours before waking. Dr. Malpani had come in the room a few minutes before I asked the one question and told David, if she comes awake- the only thing on her mind will be how many eggs, tell her 11. David really got a chuckle out of that string of events. He wrote close family an e-mail telling them this little story.
So I weebled out of the building- with David as my guide, and went back to the hotel. Later I asked David- what time did I go in? He told me I didn't go in until 9:30 p.m. I thought, what a late night for those poor doctors.
I did get some good sleep again that night- I woke up feeling awesome. I thought, wow, no pain!- I sailed through that operation. We went down and had breakfast- my usual oatmeal. David was impressed that I knew so many of the people going in- I thought, pretty good for ol' shy one here. I was feeling good until half way through breakfast- then- whamm! My stomach started to rock and roll. I told David I needed to get back to the room. The room and my bed has been where I remained until now. I just got out of bed to take medications given, painkillers too, and to eat a peanut butter sandwich- and now I am writing. I found out my painkillers are muscle relaxants. No wonder I have remained in bed- besides the pain I was feeling, I have drifted easily in and out of sleep for 36 hours or so. Feels kind of good. I finally am catching up on much needed sleep. My stomach has gotten better, just cramps now. I am headed back to bed now- but am glad I could get an update in.

Last Scan before Retrieval

One more ride out to Colaba for my last scan- this time I got to meet the other Dr. , his wife. She had been absent up until now. It was nice to meet her- she said that "For my age that my results were brilliant." That made me feel very hopeful about our eventual outcome- but I knew too that there were no guarantees just positive steps forward. Much better than dashed hopes, at least for the time being. I then met with the other male Dr. Malpani and we discussed next steps which - for me were very exciting. The next day at precisely 6:30 a.m. I was to take my trigger shot- the HCG shot that would prepare my eggs to be matured and allowed to be taken. Thirty Six hours later- I was to be put under anesthesia and have my eggs be taken up in a pipette from each side of my ovaries.The process is to extract them by putting a needle through my uterine wall to each of my outside ovaries. There each follicle contains an egg, and it gets sucked up in to a pipette. I have 14 follicles currently, and the numbers will go down from here. I wonder today how many actual eggs will be collected and will survive the following days ahead. Fourteen is a nice starting number. I expect that in the end it will boil down to about 3-5 embryo's that divide and make it to a cellular stage accepted for implantation.
David was to arrive at night within 15 hours of the operation- same day.
I returned to my hotel grabbed another bite to eat and slept for 5 hours this time. Progress.
I watched television all night. News during my stay included, the Bhopal disaster,with Union Carbide, and trying to bring Ceo's to justice, China floods- I hoped my friends traveling to China this month would fare well. And the biggest news was the World Cup events in Africa. I have been able to watch some of the competitions. Also the Gulf Coast Oil spill and all that is going on with it in the U.S.A.
I had the alarm set for 6 a.m. to take my shot. I suddenly realized at some point that it was 6:35 and set to getting things arranged for my last shot for awhile- (Yahoo!)
I didn't know that I was going to get in to some trouble with the needle. I had two viles of liquid and two viles of powder, I popped the glass tops, sucked up both bottles of water, and injected the liquid in to one powder and then the other. When I went to retrieve the solution- it seemed that it was difficult- It had become pressurized and I didn't know how to cope. I tried several solutions, culminating in pulling out the needle through the rubber top slowly as to dispel some little amount of air. Instead I got an explosion of the fluid in the needle- which resulted in a good amount of fluid leaking on to the top of the counter I was working on. I surmised that I may of lost up to 25%. I quickly jabbed the needle back in to the rubber topped vial, and tried to suck it up again- but the plunger had become occupied by some spirit - so it seemed ,with a mind of its own- after 1/2 hour of repeating above and fiddling with various replacements from needles to actual plungers, I despairing just set the whole thing down amongst the chaos that had been created on the top of my working area. I was thoroughly upset and frustrated at my circumstance. I had to get a needle attached on the end of my syringe - that wasn't dulled by the many jabs of the needle going through the rubberized top of the vial. Someohow miraculously when I put the vial down, it eventually, dispelled the air on its own, I believe it found its way out through all the needle holes in the rubberized top of the vial. Very hard to explain unless you had been here- but I felt like my syringe was possessed. Maybe it was for a good reason, I don't know- may be to my benefit I lost 1/4 of this precious fluid- or maybe not. I will not know. I couldn't call the clinic- until 8 a.m. I couldn't talk to the Dr. until 10:40 a.m. He said not to worry. Of course I have to be so careful with all these alcohol wipes and such, and in the end I was using the needle to suck up what was on the glass counter. Of course I didn't get much, but I tried. I even wondered whether I should lick the counter and sop up the lost medication lying there. I wasn't prepared to go that far, unless the Dr. said so. He didn't.
So.....
That brings me to now. David got in about an hour ago. I had just finished a sleep that lasted from 3:30 in the afternoon until 10:30 p.m. David arrived around 1:30 a.m. A sight for sore eyes. And I go for my trip to Colaba with David at 2pm today. I have a big day ahead. Soon the eggs I have grown until now would be outside my body and injected with David's sperm. In a petri dish- they will grow for 3 days (they have a 3 day process here, but 5 day blastocyst transfer is available if the Dr. decides that this would be better) and be put back in to my uterus. From there it would be Gods plan. I am now just passing time. David is sleeping with earplugs. I am passing the night away watching National Geographic adventures, while having my own!
Onward forward march...........

Eggs

My Dr. appointment yesterday went very well. I was very sleepy and had to wait the longest yet. I hadn't slept in almost 24 hours straight- as per usual. I felt very much like I was floating. I was amazed this time by the amount of people in the two offices. I took a seat, to one corner of a couch, and a lady came up to me- directly standing above me - and very close- she had some expectation of me that I didn't understand- but it was clear in her body language and gaze that she wanted something of me. I was sitting next to a couple with about 16 " of space between us. She forced her way between us, giving the man some inches of clearance, while pushing up against me very hard. I remembered than , that the Indian people don't have much use for personal space, and aren't aware of what that even means. I was very uncomfortable- but luckily got called in to the other office pretty quickly. Soon the Dr. was ready to meet with me and do my scan. I was very curious about what my results would be. He called out from the other side of the curtain, "How many eggs do you think you will have?" I called back "I think I will have between 12-14 that would be a good result for me." He entered and started the ultrasound- He asked me what were the black round circles that were popping up on the screen. "uh, eggs"- He said: " Well yes but they are follicles." (I was thinking yes, of course- that is what I should have said, because I knew that) He than pointed to a thin line. "What is this?" I said uh, that would be my endometrial stripe." "Very good! He said "You are an educated patient, not many know that"
I beamed. He started counting all the black circles on each of my ovaries , he announced "fourteen" I was so happy. I knew that that was a great number. "you know that will go down" I said "yes, they will reduce and reduce, but I am thinking that is a good place to start" He agreed and I could tell he was really happy with the result. He decided to keep me on the same dosage etc... for the next couple of days. I was expected to come in for one more "scan" in two days. His plan was to trigger me the next day ,with a shot, which he decided I could do- on my own. This would occur on Friday. Triggering with an Hcg gives my ovaries permission to finish ripening and to release in 36 hours from that time. I was lucky that David and I had picked the date David was coming in- because it was working out to be very crucial that David arrive on the 19th- any later and the cycle would be dead in the water. Now I just pray David gets here on time with no issues. I am really hoping we don't have any more volcanic action going on, since David will be flying through Paris. Now my hope is shining as things are going well. I left the clinic in good spirits. I received both daily shots before I left, and was happy not to have to do them myself that day.
There would be no shopping this time- I again was running on fumes. I asked to be taken to the hotel straight away. When I got in, I was feeling very green around the gills. I wanted to desperately to just go up to my room and sleep. I forced my way to the restaurant to make sure I downed a good meal before sleeping. I sat down, and I was suddenly overwhelmed with feeling nauseous- I was dry heaving in the restaurant and feeling like a spectacle, luckily no one noticed. I ate a grilled salmon and staggered up to my room to catch some shut eye. I was very happy to be sleeping at night Indian time. I was hoping the schedule would last. I had tried it this way a couple of times. Forcing myself to not sleep during the day so I could sleep at night. But it always seemed to backfire on me- I would end up going 36 hours and sleep during the day. I really have felt awful this trip. The one thing that amazed me- was waking up ,to no back ache today. I mean it completely has gone. The massages must have worked- Amazing! The last time I had this pain it took a chiropractor 12 weeks to solve. I even gave up and stopped going because I didn't think it was working after all. My back resolved a few weeks later. I have only been pain free for about 8 months., until this trip, and now it was worse than ever. I am feeling more human today- but.. I still have a lot of issues. When one resolves, something else comes up. Like today I have felt like something strange in my lungs in to my throat. Like Histamine. I feel like I have vicks vapor rub inside my throat and lungs. I also feel very floaty, like things are a little surreal. I also have a pretty good case of diarrhea, and cramps. Along with the usual assortment of complaints. I have to say, I am feeling the best so far today of any day even with all these complaints. I think it is because I am being buoyed by the feel good endorphins of good results yesterday.
So my follicles contain an egg each. Tomorrow will tell if I happen to have any more coming along, that may have been missed. I am signing out to start preparations to take todays daily shots. I am glad several of you are following along- Your comments and e-mails mean so much. They also help buoy my spirits in this endeavor. Most of you are sleeping soundly- sweet dreams!

Dr. Visits.

Some of this is a bit blurry by now- as some days have passed- I have already been here a week, but I am trying to back date my time here in effort to keep it chronological. I met with the Dr. again on Wednesday. I had the "scan" and had my first shot in the butt. Owhh! I received instruction for all medication that I would be receiving during the following days. I would be self administering all of it. Everything is a shot. I even had a picture taken of me with Dr. Malpani. I told him I had a blog. They also informed me that the medication would be more than I thought. This was partly okay with me - but I did have an early agreement to keep $1000. 00 or under. I didn't push this too much when it came to around $1268.00/60,000 rupees. He had sorta given me the idea , when he said he wanted to"up" my medication. I was somewhat prepared for the increase.
I however wasn't prepared for the following conversation, when they wanted to have me pay $ 4000.00 instead of the agreed- written agreement, of $3500.00 for the procedure with Icsi. I balked. I am meant to pay on the 10th day of this cycle, which is still all good, but I haven't been able to talk to the Dr. yet, about my disagreement with the increased price. I was asked, and so I handed my copy of our e-mail discussions to the nurse, so that she could show him, and remind him that I had been grandfathered in to the old price, not the newer price-which had only been in effect for a few weeks. The Dr. remained behind closed doors. I am hoping that this doesn't come to a huge confrontation. I was surprised that I had to provide proof of my case. I expected them to honor it without any issue. Especially since I had already cleared this issue before coming. The lack of memory as to the issue seemed sketchy to me. We will see how this turns out. Hopefully to a good conclusion- or I will have a bitter feeling inside. Similar to what I discussed with the Dr. before. It is difficult to stand up for yourself when you feel that your future is so bound in someone's hands. I have heard of cooks spitting in your food, because you dared complain. I feel that complaining about the price and demanding my just cause, could taint the Dr's good will towards me, and I don't want that to happen. So we shall soon see how this will all turn out. I came to the Dr. this week , on Monday and Wednesday, and again on Thursday for some medication that I thought they had not packed. It turned out that I already had the dosage supply in hand from the first day. They had not erred, except to not understand my early communication- when I asked if the medication was just for two days. A simple miscommunication between us. It was too bad though- as it caused an extra cab ride- of about $32.00 extra dollars. But I made the most of it, stopping to shop in two markets on the way back home. I did well ,and have pictures of my excursions. My Christmas and Birthday shopping is well underway and almost complete. I have now been shopping 2 times by cab. I have also shopped when finally venturing from my hotel by foot on my own.
The nurses especially Lissy were very funny as we discussed the Luprilide dosages- she was under the impression that I had used up a complete months dosage in two days. She kept making me repeat showing her on the syringe measure- where I had brought the plunger to. She was wide eyed thinking I might have taken so much in my system. I assured her that I hadn't, and promised that I had only taken .2 ml. We were all amused as we tried so hard to share our thoughts, there was always a feeling of celebration when we communicated with any understanding on both our parts. It was comical. And fun.
After the last Dr's appointment I have had nothing but complaints- Ill health, a very sore butt-from shots. my back went out, the thought of food makes me nauseous, and my breasts are sore anyway (so much for skipping out on caffeine), my stomach bloated and my ovaries hyper swollen causing pain, very little sleep and it has been like this every day. Too many days are rolling in to each other now- not much progress and little joy- I wish it were different. This is the way it has to be, unfortunately.

My biggest joy has been reports of Ellison from my sister. Which have been so entertaining, and brings her back close in mind and heart. I have had many heartwarming Facebook supporters, and some blog support from friends and family. It has kept me going. My body has been suffering so much. I have been whining since I got here. I sobbed for a moment yesterday because I feel so helpless to change how I feel. Nobody can know, but you...... The human condition.....lives on!

Of Nursing Homes and Theatre Complexes

My arrival to the hotel - was unceremonious. And so my usual ritual continued- I can't seem to help myself- I painstakingly got settled in to my beautiful room. Which is my compulsive way. Marriott rooms are always so classy, white sheets, and simple elegant decor. I love it.
First things first- unpack, receive my gift of arrival. I chose a bowl of fruit. I stayed up four hours getting my room just so. I packed my hand carried bag with all my papers for the Dr. I set out 7 beautiful photo's of my daughter, husband and best friend- nice reminders of some of the important people in my life- so I could feel supported and look at familiar loved ones 10,000 miles away from home. I set out my outfit for this day- my first Dr. visit. I messed with my computer trying to get hooked up, with only moderate success. I believe I got out ,maybe, one e-mail before , I couldn't communicate any more. I asked for a wake up call- that never came- but got to sleep around 7 a.m and slept until 10 a.m. My appointment was at 2p.m this afternoon- same day of arrival in India-
I really felt like I was running on fumes. I obtained a cab from a concierge's recommendation - He arrived in a cute little blue car. And off I went to Dr. Malpani's office in Colaba. It took almost two hours to arrive by car. I left at noon, so I arrived in plenty of time. I told the cab driver that I was going to a clinic. He responded with " a nursing home?" I said no " a clinic like Dr. office" he responded "yes, I understand a nursing home! We call a clinic nursing home." I explained, that, " In America- that is a place for old people" We both laughed heartily. He did not speak English with a great command of knowledge- but we found some words occasionally through much effort on both our parts, that we both understood. I spent most of the time having a gander at all the unfamiliar sites around. I saw so much - poverty and wealth, side by side. I took a lot of pictures. I saw one man writhing on the road in the dirt- it looked like he was dying of some pain, unknown to me- my heart leapt for his apparent discomfort and distress- and he appeared to be suffering more deeply than any of those around, but I didn't see a finger or a body helping him in any way. I was left to wonder. The complexity of life here has it's mystery's- I will never know or understand. I saw cows, and the common auto rickshaw- armies of yellow and black pseudo car/motorcyles. Lots of people from all walks, beautiful flowering trees, concrete jungles punctuated with signs of green life and crowded streets. Beggars, and those selling there wares. Beautiful clothing of color on the woman, and fitted long shirts and slacks for men. I noticed that no matter what class- not many were wearing t-shirts and dungarees - Most people looked immaculate, and I wondered as to how they had whites that looke so white, and clothes looked so pressed. I wondered at it all and marveled at the ability to hold on to this kind of decency in the middle of little space to live and operate out of. Many homes I saw were but mere shacks or tiny apartments in very tall buildings. And still many homes were not- some were condos separated by our roadway near the ocean. I know that most people here use a laundry service. I have watched you tube videos of the process. It is something to watch. We went over one very large beautiful bridge- 7 Islands connect Mumbai all together. I am staying at the Courtyard Marriott, near the airport in Andheri, my Dr's office is South- a long ways -in Colaba. All part of Mumbai. Mumbai was a gift- from the Dowry of a woman who married a Spanish man. For a long time it was a trading area-and occupied that way because the (prince or king ) in Spain did not know what to do with the gift. It became a major trading port for the East India Company, because the man who inherited it though his marriage leased it as a trading port. Which actually happens to be a major part of my heritage- I believe through John Murray Forbes. I do not have all the history in my head- but it makes me want to know more- I will spend some time finding the connection. Mumbai was first occupied the most by a Hindu ruler, and later Muslim. I need to check my facts to provide any more information.. Since it is hard to have history stay permanently in my brain. I would like to provide more-but that is all that stayed with me. The architecture is interesting and varied here. I took lots of pictures to see some of the contrasts.
I did at last arrive to the "Malpani Nursing Home" my driver was right- the sign said exactly that, I laughed again to myself when I finally witnessed the result. Their was a guard at the head of the alley - I asked him for Malpani Clinic, he pointed in a direction- I wandered forward- completely clueless- because there were no official signs, marking the way beyond what I saw initially. There were several buildings in my direction, with no formal entrances. I think the guard saw my hesitation, as I moved forward- because he came along beside me in pretty quick succession after that. He led me to a strange entrance to a tenement looking building- and I found myself in a closet like elevator- going to the fifth floor. I came out and saw the words I was looking for. It was hot. I walked in and was not received with any kind of fanfare. I don't think I should have expected any, but.... I made my own. I set my bag down- hauled out my camera- and said loudly with a smile, "I am here!!!"-I got a few grins and snapped a photo.
Then they were back to business as usual. I gave my name and sat to wait. I took in my surroundings and snuck a few more pictures. I began thinking about the fact that my period had started already- and was concerned at the day progressing without any drugs that I might need to be on- like yesterday! I pulled the nurse aside and said " The Dr. will probably want to know, I started my period yesterday." I was supposed to arrive two days before my period. I left enough cushion in my schedule to actually arrive 4 days ahead, for this reason. Instead I started early and was in fear of my cycle cancellation. I was uneasy with this change of circumstance. I wanted to let someone know, in case it made any difference, and also in case it required any kind of preparation on their part. I waited. There were no assurances, just waiting.
I glance at the Dr.'s patients, I wondered if there were any foreigners here like me. I could't tell. I crossed my legs, than uncrossed them- and put both feet on the floor. I hoped I hadn't offended anyone- If the soles of your feet are up here- towards anyone, it can be very offensive. I tried to stay in check. They had me move to a new room. I saw the Dr.'s door then, and a new reception. One of the doors said "Theatre room" Well, I thought, this must be where all the action happens, when the Dr. does the operations, and such- the place where all the drama occurs. Magic happens in the cinema. I was looking forward to my day in the "theatre room". The words were off, for my knowledge, just like the "nursing home" so , I would only be able to venture a guess. It did give me some quiet humor-in an inside joke kind of way. Guess you'd have to be here.
The conditions were warm, the nurses smiled my way now and again, and the atmosphere quiet, clean, furnished nicely and simple. I think they were perplexed at me taking there picture. I snapped a few more, as they worked in earnest. I could tell that I created a little curiosity- but that was the fun part. I could see the humor in "lissy's " eyes, an older nurse with what looked like a sense of humor- she also looked hard and bossy- but a glimmer of a veteran was in her eyes. I liked her immediately. I could tell she was humored by my approach.
Soon I was ushered in to the Dr's office. I didn't offer my hand as I knew that wasn't common here. I took my seat and listened to him. He asked me why I had not gone back to my old In vitro clinic. I said because it was too expensive, he pressed further. Were you happy with your service there. I said yes, mostly, but I wasn't as happy with the Dr. in the end. He asked ,"why?" I said, "because he didn't end up doing my transfer, and I was dissappointed" Especially because I paid quite a lot of money for an early pre-transfer round, because he claimed he wanted to get to know the lay of the land so to speak before he actually performed the transfer, and then he wasn't there. He had someone else do it." Dr. Malpani, asked "did you tell him you were dis- satisfied." I said "no". I then remembered that Dr. Malpani had a lot to say about the Dr. and patient relatioship and how many patients don't tell the Dr. what went wrong. Like anywhere, most of us stay quiet when disappointed in service. He then asked "why didn't he do the procedure" I said," I didn't know, but rather suspected that it was his day off." I felt he should have showed up- he was supposed to be my Dr. I placed a lot of trust and felt we had built the relationship, and I expected him to follow through. When he didn't I felt compromised." The Dr. said " "Why didn't you say anything?" I said, "Well, I knew we weren't going to have a second In Vitro there- because, we couldn't afford another one, and that basically I was satisfied at around 90% with the overall service, and I never went back for the post follow up. I was licking my wounds, and didn't want to go back" Finally Dr. Malpani grew somewhat satisfied with that answer. I said, "I promise I will be up front with you- as you can see with my e-mails" We had had a few e-mail exchanges where I was quite perturbed at not getting my answers. I pointed at them." I am a fairly forthright person." He glanced at them and appeared to read a little. He then asked many questions I might expect. Related to our course of action. He assured me also, that the current circumstance of having started my period wouldn't have much effect on the whole. He asked me if I understood why. I ventured a guess and said "probably because my body is cleansing itself and getting ready to start a fresh endometrium layer, and mostly everything is washing away to start new." he said "Exactly, the medicine you take in the beginning is to downregulate, before we regulate you up, then we give you the super ovulation drugs, to produce many eggs." I was satisfied with that- we took care of business and discussed a few other matters- while he put together a regimen plan. He told me that he planned on giving me higher doses than my last In Vitro cycle, because of my older age, since the last in vitro, a little over a year ago. I figured he was telling me that medicine might be more too, although he didn't say it. Soon, I was prepared to go. He was sending me home with Micro-leuprolide. Enough doses until my next appointment in a few days. I met with my nurses- who gave me my first little shot in the belly. They told me to keep the medicine cold. Off I went.
The Taxi driver was asleep. In very high heat. He had turned off the car and didn't have any airconditioning. He washed his face of sweat with a towel. This is when I noticed that everyone had towels like this. I pressed him further for details of his life. Like- how many hours he worked yesterday. He told me "15 hours" I imagined then that when I paid him to wait, it must be a godsend- this might be the only chance to sleep. I then noticed many taxi drivers pulled off on the side of the roads- collapsed of exhaustion- sleeping. I imagined that they themselves must feel very vulnerable this way. Most had their doors open to escape the heat and get a breeze, as well as many were open aired, engine run rickshaws. What a hard life, among the many that appeared to have hard lives wherever you looked.
I was feeling much happier now. I wouldn't see the dr. again for a few days.This was Monday, and I would go back until Wednesday. This would be the day they started me on the intramuscular drug, along with the Lupride. And I would have what they called "a scan". In the U.S. we call it avaginal ultrasound. I was feeling very proud of myself at this point - I had accomplished everything I had set out to do, and navigated successfully through unknown territory. A little victory dance!
The driver of my car- decided to give me a little gift, he dropped me off on the beach Chowpatty Beach, and I walked down to the ocean. Here I was on the Arabian Sea-I took a few pictures and a small video of my observances, and noticed that the skies were very dark indeed, and then the heavens opened up- and a surprise deluge of rain opened up. I ran very fast, as did everyone else seeking shelter. I was very glad to have a taxi to seek comfort in. I took one last picture of many crowded under one big old tree (maybe a Banyan tree) It is my favorite picture taken to date. I was soaked through, and shivered all the way back to the hotel. I was delighted though with the adventure. I imagined that some people must of been bemused my me, a foreign spectacle running across the beach with fast moving pale legs. A sight for sure.
I returned to the hotel and concentrated on getting on line. I had quite a sort of people trying to help, engineers and the manager of the rooms. It happened many times before I was up and running- and took many hours before I was able to communicate.The biggest problem, that the manager, not the engineers figures out- was that my computer actually didn't need the adapter that I had, because it is an international hotel, and geared for business people. The plugs had adapters within, and thus took my American style plug directly.
Then I rested for 3 hours, and began to really miss my sleep and American food.

Jet Airways

When getting on my new plane- I was quite taken by the business class seats I observed coming in- they looked like small chaises for a body to stretch out on- and included a bit of furniture and seating around. It looked quite comfortable. I of course had a cattle pass- so I found my seat in due process. At first I was elated to find that approximately one 1/2 hour or so later- that I had no seat mates- I was starting to get a glimpse of my future- and pictured myself splayed out over 3 seats- sleeping through the rest of the journey.but just as it was about to work out- along came a man that sat two seats down. My hopes dimmed- but still there was the middle seat- We could share!
I was suddenly realizing that this was going to be a very chilly flight indeed. I took up the extra blanket beside me, and had two on- thin cotton blankets- that didn't help me much. I had two men taking sidelong glances at me- I am sure I looked like an oddity on this flight. Especially traveling alone to boot. I didn't find any friendly faces- so hunkered down to suffer the rest of the journey. I managed to lay my head down for a bit- but soon the offering of a drink came, and when I brought my head up- a woman slipped in to the only resting spot that I hoped to hold on to. I was none too happy- frozen, alone, and mad that I lost that wonderful spot.I was also mad that I didn't have any fluids to replenish myself with. I had only two wee small cups of juice for the entire two flights combined. When the food came I grew more miserable- Indian food- my first real meal of it. I chewed willingly- just to get it down-knowing I needed sustenance- but truly didn't like it. Cramps were also piling in on me- and again I couldn't sleep. They sprayed some kind of awful talc powdery insense- if any of you know me- It is a miserable thing to have a scent spread around a cabin. I covered my head and nose with the blanket- and tried to manage the conditions the best I could. The man that had invited the woman to take the middle seat- talked and drank wine all night- he was a boisterous sort. I decided not to talk to him- unless spoken to. I decided he was a vexation of the spirit. Whether it was true or not, I don't know-but he was a loud, and brazen sort- and I didn't feel the need to get to know him any to better. My joints were screaming at me- especially the meniscus of my left knee- I took a melatonin pill and tried to settle in for a long night. I think I totalled about 2 hours- maybe. Miserable flight!
It grew more miserable as we tried to land- we circled around for about 1.5 hours- over the Arabian Sea- we were not given permission to land, and so had to wait it out. I read a book about India, and finished it. When we did come in- It was the bumpiest- scariest landing of my life- the clouds were really choppy, and we dropped fast and hard a couple of times - where my head was shooting towards the ceiling and my lap belt kept me in check. I was a little scared, to say the least. The whole plane gasped a few times- but no one screamed.
On arrival we had to go through customs- I didn't have a card that I was supposed to fill out- and had to leave and come back through the line- people were very comfortable telling me where to go- as if they knew- but really didn't. It was frustrating- I knew from the book that I read that this was common- that in India they really want to help- and that rather than saying they didn't know- would point in a direction, any way- this behavior was observed right away as they were sending me on wild goose chases to find the currency exchange spot- meanwhile I was trying to carry and wheel quite a bit of luggage, while bleeding heavily. Not fun.
I finally arrived in to the night sky- at around 2 in the morning- I glanced at all the hundreds of people with signs- trying to find the people they had come to get. I knew that I had a taxi waiting for me- but- didn't believe they would have waited for 2 hours, that I was late, and also- I knew that they couldn't possibly know where I actually had come out- not from Virgin Airlines, that is for sure. So I walked a ways- and decided to take a chance and ask someone that looked official- he said walk this way, he grabbed my luggage and led the way- pretty soon in the dark of night- I was headed to an area that was less busy, and less crowded- he made a phone call- I felt like all this was so sketchy- I felt very vulnerable. But, I had to trust someone- and this was either going to work- or I was going to have regrets. He led me to the side of an area that looked like an alley- sorta, and we waited all of 1 minute before someone he knew pulled up. He put my luggage in the taxi car- and opened the door and got in. He started speaking his language- and it almost seeme like they were arguing. I felt even more vulnerable- I pulled out some cash to pay him- 2.14 dollars/ 100 rupees. I knew this was actually quite a bit of money for him, from what I had read. He looked at me squarely and said $5. I said no, that will be enough. He started to say Ma'm were you happy with the services I provide you. I said yes- and thank you- that will be all you will receive. He backed down and left. I was on my way to the Mumbai Courtyard Marriott International Hotel- by golly I was getting there.
Soon we pulled in- we were greeted by guards with dogs that checked the whole car and contents over. And then we pulled through a gate. I had arrived safely. I did another exchange of money at the hotel, as the exchange guy only gave me two bills that were 100 rupees each. The rest I was to discover, were all 500's (about 10.68 per bill) I needed taxi tip, concierge tip, bell captain tip. etc.. I was also to go through a security check at the hotel where I was" wanded" in a dark little photo booth type of curtained area. It felt weird.
I was so tired. The only time I ever remember feeling as tired as this- was the night we arrived back from our wedding, having traveled 2000 miles plus, across the U.S from Cape Cod, Massachusetts- We lived in a town home in Breckenridge, Colorado. We had a trailer, with David's Harley and all our wedding gifts, luggage etc.. loaded. It was 2 in the morning, and on a sign post in the parking lot was a sign that said something to the effect of - retarring all of the driveways starting tomorrow at such and such a time. I was so exhausted and was just trying to make it home- we had to unload the whole trailer that night. I was not happy - and that was the same sort of exhaustion- only second to a few all nighter's in college, and the first few days in China, and my return flight with Ellison. I can't remember whether I slept that night- If I did it was probably three hours- because that seemed to be my pattern early on.

London to India

It was so wonderful to spend an hour talking with one of my first cousins, Galen-( now 25)- as we headed towards the airport. He was kind enough to take that load off my sister and her husbands hands- as their support would be quite measurable in the coming days- a month of watching Ellison! Galen and I chatted quite easily and sufficiently to cover the distance. It is great to cover a few dreams in that short amount of time- his and mine.

I arrived good and early at the airport- and thought about going to Legal Seafood, (one of my favorite restaurants) and having a bowl of lobster bisque- in my thoughts I imagined calling my husband to tell him that I was doing just that- the reason, revenge, besides the fact that their food is so delicious- David always calls me from Legal Seafood when he is at the Boston airport, and I am not there. Pretty sure ,it is an in my face, nanny, nanny poo poo! It was a nice reverie, but I forged on through security and held steady on my course. Although it would have been a nice reversal of fortune.

Virgin Airlines was to be my second flight- and I was getting on it to travel to London first. I resisted the urge to grab a Starbucks coffee- I didn't want to start messing with my sleep cycle now- not with caffeine, I also was determined to stay off caffeine for the duration of my trip anyhoo- for reasons only known to pregnant people. When I was pregnant once upon a time- one of my biggest symptoms was sore breasts- and not just the regular variety-extremely sore breasts- and so- I decided that it would be in my best interest when wondering, say a month or so from now-If I was pregnant, that I might be able to tell, especially if I keep caffeine from swelling my breast tissue. I reasoned that if they hurt- there would be not too many other causes. I like to try and guess if I am pregnant- long before I take the test. One of the many little games I like to play with myself.
I traveled quite nicely a 6.5 hour journey to Heathrow Airport in London. The time was passed spottily- I had a wonderful conversation with a British couple- who lived in London and shared my seat, they had children there- I was already living tiredly in to my future- and at times felt troubled to keep the conversation at all, bleary eyed from not too much sleep the night before-. I figured it was the perfect set up for a nice sleep-but as usual, as tired as I felt- I had brief fitfull sleep periods- and would have to guess that I didn't sleep much at all. I arrived about 7:30 a.m London time- and knew I had 2.5 hours to catch my next flight- I had fancied the thought of shopping at the airport- and checking out the chocolates there, with my 2.5 hours extra time,because Caroline says they are the best in the world. This was not to be. Instead I followed signs for Mumbai India- for Virgin Islands- thinking that I was of course continuing a Virgin Islands trip- So I ended up going through a long line in security- It certainly looked appropriate- I was one of only two white people and every one in this line certainly looked to be from India. Gotta be right. Wrong! After being in this line forever, I found at the end- the Virgin Island counter- she informed me I needed to be in terminal 4. I not knowing that the airport was as big as it was ( I believe the largest hub in the world), didn't know, I now needed to board a bus to get there. Of course she gave me no information on what plane, if not Virgin airlines- that I needed to board. Luckily one other Indian man, suffered the same fate and we bonded a little over the fact- and ended up in a similar path. It only added some comfort- when he told me that he was instructed to be in terminal 3 from an official. I wasn't alone in my suffering- and we both held our breath that we would make our plane after all. While on the bus- headed through this huge airport- I studied my itinerary, and in very small print, found some little blurb that said Jet Airways- I now had a clue- but still wasn't too sure. He (the Indian gentleman)definitely didn't have a clue- We arrived to another long "que" as the British call it ( I believe it to mean, another damn long line!"- )I had to go through security all over again, which took even longer than the first one- and of course the line was full of people of a whole different race and skin color than mine- pretty sure again- that I was in the right place.
The Indian gentle man ended up just behind me by about 5 minutes- giving me a chance to try and gain my bearings. I furtively, glanced through all the airline name hoping to see something like, Virgin Atlantic, or my clue- Jet Airways- seeing nothing I continued to another area- out of sight, and there it was. I was able to call over the other guy and he stood by me, as I waited about 20 minutes for the first person to clear in front of me. Now hurried- the Indian man behind me, we shared the common language we had- rolling our eyes at the absolute crazy slowness of our process. We felt in a rush, not even knowing if we were in the right place-and it took 20 minutes for one person to clear in front of me. In America- this would have been so fast. Not to mention ,no one would meet my eyes, or move quickly. I bit my tongue. I felt like I was in the N.Y. toll booth, or subway and was a stranger that didn't know there way around- the feeling you get when no one cares, and you need them too, and they move slowly, answer you with no kindness in their voice and look bored, and tired of people, and I am pretty sure must hate there jobs. I was really chomping at the bit to be sure I was in the right place- and sure enough my detective work paid off- but, I couldn't believe the lack of communication that had been a part of that whole experience. I finally met my gate with no time to spare. I can't believe I thought that I would have all this time to shop.

Meanwhile my period started 4 days earlier than expected- I was walking around with no spare "Euros" to purchase any kind of supplies to help my situation, and worse I was to late to catch my flight to stop at a bathroom. I worried then - would this ruin my whole cycle? The whole reason I was here, the whole mission-? I didn't have any answers and had an 11 hour flight now- to obsess about it. Would all this planning and all this cost be a waste of time?........

The beginning

I can't believe I finally got all the bugs worked out, and I can sit here and write- at now 4:30 A.M.- It has been a trying couple of days and nights - both getting here and being here. Exhaustion and a icky feeling tummy are how it feels to travel to another country- and suffer from jet lag, and different food than your digestive system is used too. I forgot ,that this is how my body felt in China the first three days as well. My font keeps changing on it's own- so at this point I am going to just leave it like this. Well it has been several days since I set out from Denver- I arrived at my sisters house on the 4th of June with Ellison. We had a nice uneventful trip over- and got in very late. I slept 3.5 hours that night- and got up early to set out with my sister Mary Ellen to help her with a road race that she had elected to endeavor for the benefit of her daughter and classmates at Boxford Academy. I was quite proud of my sister for being director and planner of a road race benefit. We put up all the signs together, all this a culmination of my sister's hard work- and I arrived late the night before her grand debut, which was no help to her. All said and done- It was a hit- and I believe she will plan a second annual event. We had a wonderful day together with the kids, with water balloon tosses, and a snake man- who showed all the kids all the variety of snakes that we have in New England. It was wonderful to see Ellison playing so well with her cousins. We headed to Mary's and had a cook out- and sat by the pool- my cousin Galen came in from Boston- and we all hung out for a little while, including my mom. It was soon time to head to the airport in Boston. I was dreading leaving Ellison behind- as I felt so attached at the hip. When it actually came time to go - I explained that Ellison would have a new mommy for a little while, and that she needed to listen to Mary Ellen, and that Daddy would come to visit soon, and that this mommy would be back to get her and be her mommy again soon. Apparently that resonated with her- and she instantly bonded with Mary Ellen- and was quite content to hang out with her and Ken and the kids (Sarah, Madden and Myles) in the pool. I knew she was in good hands- especially when she wouldn't come out of the pool to say goodbye. A very sad mommy blew her kisses- which she "caught" and headed out with cousin Galen to the airport. Not before saying goodbye to everyone- and listening to my mom- say things like, "watch your back", be very careful". "Don't trust any body" blah , blah..... I said through tears: "mom, I feel like I am leaving home for the first time" A grown woman, sad to leave her daughter behind, with tears welling in the eyes- barely able to hold it together- and luckily this caused Mary Ellen, mom and I a good laugh- enough to help me pull it together and get out of there. And off I went.........

Rights of passage.

Great! I have recovered my composure from last year. Ellison had her first graduation last year- so to speak- I mean, she ended her school year at Montessori with several graduates and was part of a wonderful small ceremony that her teacher put together. I remember, that, last year I spent the whole ceremony trying to stay composed as my brain worked laboriously to keep a dam from breaking out of my eyes- I was so moved by the fact that I was attending one of those experiences with my child- me!

Now that I think about it- must of been the IVF drugs- I don't know, but this year, at todays graduation ceremony- I only had a small welling and more because of the older kids, especially - as I looked at Sara and Miss Sandy, whom Ellison had now gone to school with for two years. Her right of passage (Sara's) at the ripe old age of six, she was getting ready to leave the class and head to first grade. I was as proud as if she were my own. And so I did have some welling, knowing that her teacher would miss her too. I will miss her in school next year, the school that Ellison will continue at. I was feeling greatly relieved that I didn't have all that emotion lurking in my brain- I didn't want to spend any time, this year, stemming the tide. I sat there today, so much in love with my daughter, and proud of her new found containment of her silliness, and as always enjoyed her contagious joyfulness- still being expressed. Ellison was singing the same songs and showing what another full year in school will do for maturity. She has come a long way this year, and is starting to read some words. Sara read for us and is an accomplished reader. Thanks to Miss Sandy I can count on this school to form a nice base for Ellison to flourish from. I feel really good that she is in a safe, and great learning environment.

One of our parents Erika, put some wonderful thought and time in creating a great cd of photo's she collected from all of us, with music and text- it was a nice send off to the year. I look forward to another year with her and her daughter. I know Ellison is in the right place, evidenced by her teachers time and dedication to her students. The parents and students are wonderful. It is nice to be part of such a giving, kind group of people.

I am so glad to be involved with my daughter's rights of passage - another hallmark in time. And I lament the growing up part and savor these moments. Boo hoo- gonna miss this, and those that move on.....

Best decision of my life!

Yes, it was and always will be the best decision of my life- That we had Ellison, our adoptive daughter first. A calculated move- and a good one. The desire to be a parent weighed first and foremost on my mind. If my future was so uncertain with In Vitro Fertilization and procedures like I.U.I., I knew that I wanted to already have a child in place- I knew that for me mentally- any failure of I.V.F. could always be overcome with the sheer joy of having a child already. Because I knew, that no matter what, I would always be able to count my blessings. And for sure- first and foremost I am able to smile because I am the proud parent of a chosen child of my heart- who consumes my being - as to ,the incredible joy I feel being her mom. When going through such difficult times as being an infertile couple- you feel many things- one of them said best- by someone else on another post- "you feel defective".

You grow up thinking - first comes love, and then comes marriage- and then comes the baby carriage. When some part of that equation all goes up in smoke- you are left with the pieces - trying to put the puzzle back together again. It is no easy journey- what makes it more painful is watching my sisters, and friends, and Sister-in-laws all have successful pregnancy's one right after the other. That is a lot of showers, and reminders. Then time ticks..... The truth is, that, at no time have I ever wished them ,or felt anything for them, but a desire for their lives to be happy. I just feel sometimes- like a person on the sidelines that wants to play the game. Having Ellison has made me a mommy- and mothers day a few days ago- was superb! Thank God - I have the privilege of being a mom! Having her- has taken me off the sidelines. She has made my life so full. I so want our home to include another child and that is why we have followed up with - now our second- In Vitro procedure. I leave for India in 3 weeks. I can't believe time is ticking so fast. Then... and now....

In Vitro is quite the quest

Well, Here goes- nothing.., or something...., or the biggest achievement of my life- God knows.

The quest of being pregnant - with someone you love- has eluded my life time goals now, for 10 years. It is amazing what one will go through financially, emotionally, and insightfully to bring a child in to this world.

This will be our second attempt at In Vitro Fertilization with Icsi- this time in a far off land. We had our first attempt a little over one year ago- and had a negative outcome. This time for expense purposes- we are traveling out of our comfort zone to India. This will be in a infertility clinic in Mumbai, India. We will have a husband and wife Dr. team they are the Malpani's. I am leaving in just weeks. Today, my husband and I will be getting our shots. We are going to a clinic about 25 minutes away. I plan to document this the best I can- for our babie(s) future at best, and at a second close, for others going through this too- or considering it. If the outcome includes both- I will be elated.

So here goes- follow me on my journey.