Rights of passage.

Great! I have recovered my composure from last year. Ellison had her first graduation last year- so to speak- I mean, she ended her school year at Montessori with several graduates and was part of a wonderful small ceremony that her teacher put together. I remember, that, last year I spent the whole ceremony trying to stay composed as my brain worked laboriously to keep a dam from breaking out of my eyes- I was so moved by the fact that I was attending one of those experiences with my child- me!

Now that I think about it- must of been the IVF drugs- I don't know, but this year, at todays graduation ceremony- I only had a small welling and more because of the older kids, especially - as I looked at Sara and Miss Sandy, whom Ellison had now gone to school with for two years. Her right of passage (Sara's) at the ripe old age of six, she was getting ready to leave the class and head to first grade. I was as proud as if she were my own. And so I did have some welling, knowing that her teacher would miss her too. I will miss her in school next year, the school that Ellison will continue at. I was feeling greatly relieved that I didn't have all that emotion lurking in my brain- I didn't want to spend any time, this year, stemming the tide. I sat there today, so much in love with my daughter, and proud of her new found containment of her silliness, and as always enjoyed her contagious joyfulness- still being expressed. Ellison was singing the same songs and showing what another full year in school will do for maturity. She has come a long way this year, and is starting to read some words. Sara read for us and is an accomplished reader. Thanks to Miss Sandy I can count on this school to form a nice base for Ellison to flourish from. I feel really good that she is in a safe, and great learning environment.

One of our parents Erika, put some wonderful thought and time in creating a great cd of photo's she collected from all of us, with music and text- it was a nice send off to the year. I look forward to another year with her and her daughter. I know Ellison is in the right place, evidenced by her teachers time and dedication to her students. The parents and students are wonderful. It is nice to be part of such a giving, kind group of people.

I am so glad to be involved with my daughter's rights of passage - another hallmark in time. And I lament the growing up part and savor these moments. Boo hoo- gonna miss this, and those that move on.....

Best decision of my life!

Yes, it was and always will be the best decision of my life- That we had Ellison, our adoptive daughter first. A calculated move- and a good one. The desire to be a parent weighed first and foremost on my mind. If my future was so uncertain with In Vitro Fertilization and procedures like I.U.I., I knew that I wanted to already have a child in place- I knew that for me mentally- any failure of I.V.F. could always be overcome with the sheer joy of having a child already. Because I knew, that no matter what, I would always be able to count my blessings. And for sure- first and foremost I am able to smile because I am the proud parent of a chosen child of my heart- who consumes my being - as to ,the incredible joy I feel being her mom. When going through such difficult times as being an infertile couple- you feel many things- one of them said best- by someone else on another post- "you feel defective".

You grow up thinking - first comes love, and then comes marriage- and then comes the baby carriage. When some part of that equation all goes up in smoke- you are left with the pieces - trying to put the puzzle back together again. It is no easy journey- what makes it more painful is watching my sisters, and friends, and Sister-in-laws all have successful pregnancy's one right after the other. That is a lot of showers, and reminders. Then time ticks..... The truth is, that, at no time have I ever wished them ,or felt anything for them, but a desire for their lives to be happy. I just feel sometimes- like a person on the sidelines that wants to play the game. Having Ellison has made me a mommy- and mothers day a few days ago- was superb! Thank God - I have the privilege of being a mom! Having her- has taken me off the sidelines. She has made my life so full. I so want our home to include another child and that is why we have followed up with - now our second- In Vitro procedure. I leave for India in 3 weeks. I can't believe time is ticking so fast. Then... and now....

In Vitro is quite the quest

Well, Here goes- nothing.., or something...., or the biggest achievement of my life- God knows.

The quest of being pregnant - with someone you love- has eluded my life time goals now, for 10 years. It is amazing what one will go through financially, emotionally, and insightfully to bring a child in to this world.

This will be our second attempt at In Vitro Fertilization with Icsi- this time in a far off land. We had our first attempt a little over one year ago- and had a negative outcome. This time for expense purposes- we are traveling out of our comfort zone to India. This will be in a infertility clinic in Mumbai, India. We will have a husband and wife Dr. team they are the Malpani's. I am leaving in just weeks. Today, my husband and I will be getting our shots. We are going to a clinic about 25 minutes away. I plan to document this the best I can- for our babie(s) future at best, and at a second close, for others going through this too- or considering it. If the outcome includes both- I will be elated.

So here goes- follow me on my journey.