The Fat lady has sung!

Aunt flo- came today- and simultaneously- I got the No Go results from the Dr.'s office. Dang! Thanks for following along- you never know what my experiences will turn in to. I spent the better half of the day following the blog of a lady who brings older orphans from Russia to the United States for 10 days- they stay with host families- and 70% end up adopted out on their first go around. She seems to be an amazing woman- I am taking mental notes- and thinking about the future........ What does it have in store for me???? Mmmmm!

Thanks for following my adventures in the world of infertile bodies, but not infertile minds. I appreciate all the responses, more than you will ever know. This is a sad ending- but I know deep down that God has other plans. I didn't pray for a baby- I prayed for the result that would allow Ellison, David and I the best future happiness we can find. I guess having a biological child wasn't part of that plan. I know that we are being looked after in this lifetime- and that is what matters. This blog may continue......

London, Boston, Denver

I am home in Castle Rock once more- I arrived the evening of July4th, and went to bed immediately- I spent a day doing the unpack routine, and taking Ellison for a nice day in the playground park. I went to bed early again last night- and am now up at 2 a.m, the same as I was last night. I hope this does not continue to be my holding pattern, but must admit my transition back has been so much better than my transition to Mumbai time.

My last 12 hours were spent packing etc., and I completely recovered in time for the flight, I managed to sleep some on the way to London, which helped.

When I got to London, I took the "Underground Tube"in to a stop called "Picadilly Circus"- I was so thrilled to get just a couple of hours in town. I saw quite a bit in my short time- St. James Park, an awesome restaurant, a coffee vendor was my first stop. I wandered enough to finally figure out where Buckingham Palace was and arrived just a few minutes before the Changing of the guard. Next I figured that it was the 12th day. I had bought a Velocit- Indian brand pregnancy test and saved it to do in London. I pictured in my mind that if I were pregnant I could have someone take a picture of me at Buckingham Palace with a positive test- and this could be the way I could tell dear hubby. However, It wasn't meant to be this 12th day- It was my first clue that maybe things didn't work out- but I decided it was a little early and I would wait until the 14th day as my next test day. I made it to Boston that night- my husband picked me up with my sisters car in Boston. I slept a lot on my London to Boston flight and was so grateful for the chance to get some sleep. My ankle swelled up hugely- on the flight. I was so happy to see dear hubby, and especially so happy to see my "lala" girl- she had slept in the car and was just waking up as David loaded my bags. I opened the door, and she was looking the other way. She turned her head towards me, and threw me the nicest big smile, and a look of delight was evident on her face. She grabbed my neck and pulled me in- I was so Happy to see that precious little girl. The moon and stars would be hers for the asking. We gave each other happy smiles all the way to Mary Ellen's- and stopped at Kowloon's for Chinese food on the way back. I shared my exploits of London with David. And held my little girl closely through dinner. So happy to be reunited.

I was happy to see family and so glad to be on U.S.A soil-

Mom came the next day- and we spent a leisurely day with my sisters three kids- and Mary Ellen was able to get away for a little pedicure. Mom brought me something special from her kitchen, Chocolate Bread Pudding- Yummmm! I spent time pushing Ellison and Sarah on the swings. It felt good to have some down time. The next day we were going to a friend of my sisters, for a 4th of July celebration- and parade. It was a lovely New England style parade. Very nicely done - I was in Pepperell, Massachusetts. Ellison spent the day with her cousins and lots of other children. The party included a large blow up water slide. Ellison went right down it. I took a pregancy test that morning- now the 14th day. Zip, nada, zilch. I was feeling pretty down. What an extreme let down. All that work..... and time, and dedication was turning out for the worse. You think you are prepared, but you never really are. The ever optimist, I have now taken one on the 16th day at home. Today is the 18th day, no period yet... always hope! I am going to the Dr.'s for a Beta test today- mostly to make sure- since I am still on major drugs. The estrogen one really bothers me, and I don't want to be on it unless I have to be. So today will be the end all, of my journey- I don't expect a positive- but always carry a shred of hope with me. They say "It ain't over until the fat lady sings"- that would be my period- I did do some reading on the subject- and found out that Progesterone, and Estrogen- will delay your period.

So..... Disappointed... Yes! I can't reason and make it all better, by being logical, and pragmatic over the whole thing... and I am feeling some grief- but I will recover in time- like I always do. Before, there at least, was always "next time". But this just feels so final- I don't see any more chance in my future for making a baby- that saddens me deeply. Thanks to everyone for all support, prayers, words of wisdom, thoughts, and love sent my way. Especially to my sisters family for lovingly taking care of Elllison. And to my neighbors who took care of my dog. Our family is happy to be back together again safely. I derive a deep satisfaction and joy for what I have already. I have been so blessed in life. I never say "why me?"- It will always be, "why not me?" Sometimes you gotta take a life blow- We all have something we live with, that didn't turn out just like we wanted. I know I can't have everything. But... It sure would have been nice.

Last 12 hours of Mumbai

I- can't believe I am down to the last 12 hours of being in Mumbai. I have been ill most of the night and am going back to bed in a few minutes. Tonight I met out with our friend Sameer's cousins. Sameer and his sister Babita live in the states and have become friends through David's sister. They have visited us in Colorado several times. When Sameer found out we were going to Mumbai, he made a connection for us with one of his cousins there. And so they came to the hotel today and picked me up for a late lunch. We went to a theme restaurant called "The Jail" - where all the staff dressed up like guards and inmates. It was wonderful to meet two of Sameer and Babitas first cousins, and his Fiance. We had great conversation. I learned as much about India in one day as the entire stay- which I loved.
On the way home my tummy started rumbling and troubling and soon I worried that I was going to have an accident - I kept picturing jumping out of the car, so that it (a dire accident) wouldn't be in the car- but wondered how in the world I would cope in the traffic. I was sweating bullets, with waves of trouble washing over me. I don't know how- but we made it to the hotel in the nick of time- and I got to the toilet as fast as I could. I have now been sick all evening and night- I hope that I will be okay in time for the plane flight. To think I had made it this far without serious troubles of this kind and now 24 hours and less before my flight, I was in trouble. I just took Cipro and hope that it calms things down a bit. No fun. Man! I am up late now- and will see if I can get one more round of sleep. One thing though, I was very nauseous at the lunch place, before any of the rest occurred. I am hoping that could be a sign??? I am drinking water to replace fluids as much as possible. This trip has not been easy., I know worth it. I hope to know soon if it is even more worth it than I know. Can't wait to have good news! I hope.

Jw Marriott & Juhu Beach

After two long days of bedrest- I could no longer be kept down. David made arrangements to stay at another Marriott about 25 minutes away- for a different experience and another 5 star hotel. We are on Juhu beach on the Arabian Sea. We have a wonderful view of the sea- and woke up very relaxed- and happy to have a change of scenery- for me it really helps pass the time. Today counts as day 7 in the wait. Today we sat in the executive concierge lounge and had a nice breakfast overlooking the ocean. We followed up with a day of shopping in Bandera. We really had fun. We took a harrowing ride in an Auto Rickshaw- a 3 wheeled automobile- that are black and yellow and abundant in Mumbai- they look like a swarm of yellow jackets on the roads. The drivers are crazy, and aggessive- as they have to be with this number of people from every walk of life on the roads.What a great adventure.
We had a nice lunch following at the Bombay Cafe for lunch- and I even found a new brand of haagen daz icecream- bavarian chocolate- it was very good- my first real taste of what felt like being back in the states. Last night we went out to this great beautiful Italian restaurant - I wish I could say I enjoyed the food for all its extravagance- but- No. Too bad too- as it was so very attractive. There is a special night club here as well- that is the main attraction to Bollywood stars. Apparently this is the place to be for Movie actors and Actresses in India. There Hollywood is called Bollywood. The name of the discotheque is "Enigma" Too bad I wouldn't recognize a single one (star)- If I stepped on their toes!
It was the first full sunny day I have seen here just beautiful today- and made for good memories of this place. We feel like we are on a second honey moon. A good thing too- since we celebrate our ten year anniversay in September.
We have had such a nice experience here with the people who have been very helpful and dedicated to taking a personal interest in seeing that we are having a good time. The staff in both Marriotts have been wonderful. David posted a nice little write up for the Courtyard Marriott- on a travel site- and did it for fun- he ended up causing us to get a little extra attention- as they saw it - without us telling them- and gave us a free escort taxi- to this hotel. We were so pleased.
All is well- and I remain patient so far......
Thinking of so many of you from across the miles- and especially thinking of my dear Ellison and missing her so very much!

Homestretch

We had quite a ride to the clinic- it took just an hour without all the taxi's on the road. Not bad. Our driver allowed us few spots to observe scenic buildings, and unusually awesome architecture. I am not even sure what all I saw- but indeed it was stupendous to look at. The train station alone was magnificent. After a few tourist stops we got to the clinic. We were again given our own private room- and waited several hours before our time would come. Our nurses were delightful, and I think excited for us. Pramodine was especially kind. The lady who was short in stature, and full of piss and vinegar. I said "We just love you"
David got a little sick while we were there and was lucky to have a bed to lie on as well. Room 5 again, and I was a patient, patient. Just before getting called in for the final transfer- we got to go in to the Embryologist room and take a look at our embryo's under a microscope. I asked if all had made it through the night, and he said yes- you still have four, we will transfer 3 today. He showed me a beautiful 8 celled embryo, rated a grade A (the best) and two well bordered embryo's that both had 4 cells, a step behind, but he still rated it an "A" and were deemed of excellent quality as well. I was just so tickled I could barely contain myself. The 4th one was a little more diffuse then the others, and he decided along with the Dr. not to use this one. Meaning it, didn't have the beautiful clear borders of the other embies, that had such clear lines of differentiation within the egg , of each cell. Which is what you want. I was so pleased that we had such beautiful looking embryo's to transfer in that day. I couldn't believe we had arrived at this stage. A little later I was back in the magic theatre room with the Dr. and several great nurses.
We bantered and soon I was sent back to my bed- where I was made to lie down for two hours with a full bladder. I wasn't even allowed to go. I was given ample opportunity to go before my procedure, to catheter in the 3 eggs, called transfer day 3., But, unfortunately no amount of cajoling would release any liquid from the old bladder. Now I had to suffer. I kept saying to David as time grew closer, "What time is it?, I am not going to make it". 5 minutes before my alotted time- I had to make a dash. Close enough!
I was given a final shot in the arse and moved on to the waiting cab. Turns out we had used 8 hours of the cab time from start to finish. Our ride back was through amazing torrential downpour. Because there were no cabs operating the streets were full of people. We got to see a little night life in Mumbai. We saw a parade of people lining the middle of the street because they were expecting a muslim man of importance coming from the airport. I wished I had my camera as it was a sight to see.
I am so blessed that all ended up so smooth for us. Even on the ride in- there was a motorcycle accident beside us- If we had been behind it, and If the person had been seriously injured- this could have been the end of our good luck. It would have resulted in traffic jams to the max. We were so luck through out, as everything has played out to our best outcome. I have great hope, and limited expectations as to the outcome- but I now have beautiful embryo's hopefully making some headway within the protected walls of my womb. I am pleased that all went so well.
Now ,I am going to have to be very patient through the following two weeks awaiting my final fate. I am sure that I will be hypersensitive to my body and it's behaviors , looking for any signs. Today I am on bed rest, and tomorrow as well. After that I can enjoy my final days in this neat city- so full of life. I am glad that I now have a deeper understanding of the culture and ways here. It is so worth it all in all to have an experience to remember- even if all else fails.

Transfer of Embryo Day

Well today has been interesting. I learned last night that I had 4 embryo's to transfer. I was quite pleased with that outcome. It is a new day, so I hope that they all survived the night. I will soon know.

I can't believe that everything we have done to date all culminates today, and wouldn't you know? An India taxi strike. My faithful cab driver called to say he could not come. There is not a single cab driver on the road today. This is newsworthy alone- the roads will have hardly anyone on them. We quickly secured a ride out of here using a special Courtyard Marriott vehicle. Very expensive, but our only option today. Today of all days! We were so lucky to have an option at all. So all is going forward. I will need to post what happens later. We are very excited. I am looking forward to having the "embies" safe in a womb. Then we are done, and it will just be, wait and see. We are cautiously optimistic. We will be on our way in just a short time!

Egg Retrieval

Well the next big step has come and gone. My egg retrieval. I stayed up all day with David. Now, thankfully here and on time. We took a cab at 2p.m.- my same faithful cab drive Nilkanth pronounced something like (nil.kon.ti) I had followed my 5 or so instructions for the day and we arrived unscathed. In just a few minutes of arrival we were ushered in to our own private room. It looked like we would be in for a long wait. I could see out the windows and looked out at a point on the ocean where I saw two large ships. I had no idea we were that close-but this window provided me a small glimpse. Through the other window I saw palm fronds. The breeze between the two windows, and the two ceiling fans gave me the perfect temperature. I said: "David I wish we had a thermometer right now- because this would be the perfect temperature for me to go through life with." I was so comfortable, lying on the antique hospital beds with fresh clean linens on the bed. The breeze in the room was warm and caressing, and as I looked out one window, I thought- right now I could be anywhere, Greece, Spain-Los Angeles, and it wouldn't look or feel much different than this. I thought of the Meditteranean and drifted off. Not too much later I was awoken- the nurse had to give me an enema. I guess here, instead of drinking a gallon of water like in the U.S. - you get an enema. I thought it was a good trade off. Suffer the indignity of a nurse putting an enema in, but not suffer a full bladder through surgery. There were a few more indignities requested- although TMI- but, all managed. When I looked around the room it reminded me of a WW11 kind of hospital room- everything was a bit antiquated looking- but all functional -even the nurses stethoscope was in a thin metal box. The mattresses were thin, on metal beds. It felt like I was in a setting from the 1920's- I rather liked it, in an old school kind of way. I put on a gown and hat- David took my picture. The attending nurse was a short lady, and had been nursing for 30 years. She had worked most of it , in a nearby hospital and had never married, but she had delivered many babies in her life. The Dr. came in and told us that we might be going in around 7pm. I drifted off back to sleep. Pretty soon it was time to go. I followed the nurse out through to the theatre complex- Another woman was being wheeled asleep, in to another room. I thought- wow, her baby would be conceived on the same day as mine. It was kind of cool. There were several people in the room- and there were little stairs leading up to the bed. On the other side was the anesthesiologist, he asked "Are you nervous". I said, "no, I am in good hands!" Dr Malpani said, "All the right answers." The anethesiologist began to prep to put the needle in- he asked if I was afraid of needles, I said "no." What was so great though was I didn't have to have some huge needle- It looked like a two inch baby needle. I was happy about that. In it went, and out I went- and I was finally getting some good sleep around here.
Before I knew it- I was wheeled back in to my room. David was able to get some shut eye too. David remembers that moments after I was wheeled in- that I came up from the depths of unconsciousness for a moment and asked-slurringly- how many eggs? David informed me 11. "good!" I said slurringly again" That is good, very, very good." And I went right back out and slept another 1.5 hours before waking. Dr. Malpani had come in the room a few minutes before I asked the one question and told David, if she comes awake- the only thing on her mind will be how many eggs, tell her 11. David really got a chuckle out of that string of events. He wrote close family an e-mail telling them this little story.
So I weebled out of the building- with David as my guide, and went back to the hotel. Later I asked David- what time did I go in? He told me I didn't go in until 9:30 p.m. I thought, what a late night for those poor doctors.
I did get some good sleep again that night- I woke up feeling awesome. I thought, wow, no pain!- I sailed through that operation. We went down and had breakfast- my usual oatmeal. David was impressed that I knew so many of the people going in- I thought, pretty good for ol' shy one here. I was feeling good until half way through breakfast- then- whamm! My stomach started to rock and roll. I told David I needed to get back to the room. The room and my bed has been where I remained until now. I just got out of bed to take medications given, painkillers too, and to eat a peanut butter sandwich- and now I am writing. I found out my painkillers are muscle relaxants. No wonder I have remained in bed- besides the pain I was feeling, I have drifted easily in and out of sleep for 36 hours or so. Feels kind of good. I finally am catching up on much needed sleep. My stomach has gotten better, just cramps now. I am headed back to bed now- but am glad I could get an update in.